


Alternate Universe Dump

by ShyKylee



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Alternate Universe, Battle of the Bands, Multi, jade of the jungle, like a bunch of different alternate universes, rated teen for swearing because idk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-01-06 23:06:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1112592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyKylee/pseuds/ShyKylee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here is a collection of AU's that I thought of but never quite finished. I might add more to some, I might not. You can think of them all as different universes or the same one if you want.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS PART 1

**Author's Note:**

> This first AU used to be posted on it's own but I just decided to take it down and add it to this thing.

The unmistakable red tinged light filtering through your eyelids is what signals you to wake up. You open your eyes before quickly closing them so you won't be blinded by the harsh rays peeking through your window. You squint one eye open and check the cheap alarm clock sitting on the hotel nightstand. Its noon and you were supposed to meet your friends for you cousin’s birthday… 3 hours ago.  
"Shit" you groan, sitting up in the large bed before clutching yoiur throbbing head. They’re all gonna kill you and you can't really remember anything that happened last night... except maybe something about horns? you shake your head, which doesn’t help, your hung over mind doesn’t want to deal with trying to remember all the details of when went on the night before.

You glance over to the nightstand and spot your phone next to the alarm clock. It seems like way too much effort to reach for it but you do anyways. Scrolling through it you have 37 new messages from Rose, damn. Most of them say stuff like "Where are you?" Or "Don't be stupid, you can't possibly go through with this." Seeing a repetitive pattern you just delete the rest.

you yawn letting your foggy brain convince you to go back to sleep. Lying down, you try to pull the (really comfortable at the moment) blanket up to your chin only to have it be pinned down by some other weight. you attempt to unpin it several more times before you look to my other side and see familiar platinum blond hair peeking out from under the covers.

"Fuck." you groan again. This is not what you had planned on happening during this vacation. you surrender the battle with the blanket hogger and climb out of the bed silently.

***

"Honk Honk…" says an unknown voice in the background. Everything is a flurry of random colors and sounds and the overall blurry appearance of the situation is making you dizzy. you're here for a reason though, and that reason is enough to keep you standing here forever, even if someone tried to dump eleven tons of smuppet ass and plushy dongs on you. You would still stay for…

You scrunch your nose at the sounds and images echoing through your brain, like some forgotten memory trying to resurface. The scene is playing out in front of you like some shitty recording, blurry and jerky. The image is just coming into focus when a hard blow from an otherwise soft object drags you back into consciousness. You open your eyes to see a certain, very angry, dark haired woman standing over you armed with a pillow.

"Damn Jade, I know I'm the most glorious sex god sent straight from heaven, but even Striders need their beauty sleep." You reach your right hand up to adjust your shades and try to keep your cool, only to not have them perched on their usual spot on your face. Fuck fuck oh shit, you must have lost them some time last night. You regain your poker face but simultaneously try to shield your eyes from her. It’s not like it’s a secret anymore you're just still kind of self-conscious about my freakish eyes.

"Look Harley, as much as I love your abusive visits to my room, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave so I can get rid of this fucking hangover." Ugh, you can't even think about some ironic metaphors when it feels like Hephaestus is pounding on your skull. Huh, you actually hadn’t even noticed the hangover until now, but it was still pretty fucking bad. You try to pull the comforter over your head to muffle out the rest of the world and allow you to succumb back to glorious, glorious sleep; only to have it yanked back by the raving mad best friend.

"This is my room fuckass!" She barks, yes barks. It’s making your head split even more; you literally are surprised that your skull isn’t open and your brains all over the room. Wow, she said fuckass, she must be really mad; usually she saves that one for special occasions. Of course you guess waking up hungover out of your mind with one of your best friends in your bed would count as a special occasion. Even if it’s not the first time it’s happened…

You dramatically roll off the bed and land with a thump on the ground. On second thought that really isn’t the best idea with a killer migraine. Pushing yourself up seems likes too much work right now but you do it anyways. You stand up a little wobbly at first before steadying yourself against the headboard-wall thing, you're really not that much taller than her, maybe by a head? John was always the tallest, which of course pissed you off but at least you held second place in the height ranks.

You stretch high up over your head and crack your neck to get all the kinks out, before finally realizing that Jade is wearing your shirt... and seemingly nothing else. It’s way too big on her and fits almost like a dress, a really short dress. you can feel the heat rushing to your face so you bite your tongue and look to the side slightly to avoid turning as red as Karkat during one of his rom-com rants. You don't know why you always get so flustered like a stupid teenager around her. Maybe it’s because she knows you better than anyone but she can always bring out that dorky kid that loves birds and can’t swim… not that you'd ever admit that to anyone except my own subconscious.

"Hey, as great as my shirt looks in you, I still think I rock it better" you try smirking but know that you probably look like a strawberry douche bag. You feel like shit anyways so a bitch slap or two won't make much of a difference at this point. She starts walking towards you; oh shit you are solemnly vowing on the holy biblr of irony to never drink during vacation again. She’s right in front of you right now so you prepare to block any attack she throws at you.

She just lets out an exasperated sigh and removes the shirt before throwing it at you angrily. you're not gonna lie, you are both slightly relieved and disappointed to see that she has been wearing a tank top and shorts underneath. You pull your reclaimed shirt over your head and decide to set out on the mission of finding your shades, seeing that she is already pissed out of her mind and your presence is just making it worse.

On my way out you can't help but spare one more glance at her. She’s running a hand through her long hair and you notice something shimmer on her left hand. Unconsciously you comment "Nice rock." to lighten the mood before walking out the door finally. Damn that girl has got a set of lungs.

***

NONONONONONONONO  
That is NOT what you think it is. You flip you hand over and thoroughly inspect the object currently worn on your left ring finger. You prod your finger, twist it around, look at it in the  
light, oh fuck, it is what you think it is. It’s a diamond ring.

You, Jade Harley, have gotten married.


	2. WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS PART 2

“What did you do?” Jade spoke in a tone that sent chills through your spine. “What the hell did you do Dave!” she shouted. You swear to god you heard her growling. She’s pacing around the room practically on the verge of pulling her hair out, and you don’t have any of the answers to the questions she is asking.

“How do you even know it was me? You could have gotten hitched to and old sap off the street!” For some reason the thought of that made you blood boil.

“Reason number one, I woke up in the same bed as you. Reason number two, neither of us apparently know what happened last night. Reason number three, we now have matching wedding bands.“She walks toward you counting off the reasons on her fingers then grabs your wrist and waves your left hand in front of your face, which does indeed have a wedding band matching her own. “So unless we both tied the knot last night to completely different people and decided to play ‘spouse-swap’ I’m gonna assume that the presumably inebriated vows of matrimony were between us.”

“Well shit.” Its all you have to say, you are at a loss of ironic metaphors to ramble on about until everybody is so confused and the subject is changed. For the first time in your life you, Dave Strider, are speechless.

*** 

“Well shit.” He says, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“‘Well shit’? All you have to say is ‘well shit’. How do you think I feel bout this? I got married and probably slept with you last night and I can’t remember a single thing. I missed John’s birthday breakfast thing and he’s probably pissed at me and...” Tears are threatening to spill out and you’re doing your best to blink them away. “And everything is just all messed up and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Jade-” Dave reaches out as if to try to comfort you but pauses when your phone rings.

‘ROSE CALLING’ is broadcasted across the screen as a popular pop song plays in the background. You press the green answer button and hold the phone up to your ear. 

“H-hey Rose” You answer nervously. “What’s up?”

“Oh you know how it is a lovely breakfast, (some other snarky thing), and John being nowhere to be found. The usual.” She answers without skipping a beat.

“Wait, what! What do you mean ‘nowhere to be found’? Wasn’t he at breakfast with you?” You question frantically, running your hands through your hair and pacing across the room.

“Calm down Jade. No, he wasn’t at breakfast but neither were you and Dave so we really cannot assume much on that account.”

“Hehe... really? Dave didn’t show up either, that’s so weird...”

“Is it really Jade? Is it really all that strange that you and my brother both coincidentally missed the failed celebratory breakfast in honor of your cousin’s 21st birthday? I’m sure there was no such event that happened to occur last night which would result in you two being together right now.” (what)

“So...so you know what happened last night?”

“Of course I know, afterall I was invited to be your maid of honor.”

“Great... because I don’t remember anything.”

"Well I wouldn't ask for specifics. Unfortunately I was unable to attend."

"What..."

"I apologize but we really should focus on the matter at hand. Because John Egbert is still missing and we can discuss this later."

"Uhhh ok. So where was the last place anyone saw John?"

"I do believe that he was asked to be Dave's best man, so I thought it best to ask him but his phone must not be available so I figured he would be with you."

"...yes. I will tell him and then meet you downstairs, okay?"

"Agreed. See you two lovebirds then." You swear you heard Rose snicker before the line went dead.

Her phone hit the bed at the same the same time as she did as she drew out an extended "bluh". You swear that bluh would have like eight u's.

***

"So what's going on with Egderp?" you ask.

"John Egbert is missing." Jade replies but you could have guessed that much from the parts of the phone conversation you just heard, well as much as you heard before you stopped listening.

"Pfft. Leave it to windy boy to not show for his own party. He'll probably show up 15 minutes late with Starbucks just so he doesn't have to eat cake. Because of his stupid obsession with Betty Crocker and the fact that he claims she's his arch enemy like he's some lame comic book character with a cape and shit. Actually I would probably be the one to wear the cape, he'd be flying around with a windsock on his head or something." Where was this going anyways?

"Dave what the hell are you talking about?" she voices your thoughts.

"Nothing. So do we have any ideas on where blue boy could be hiding?"

"I have no clue but I guess we should check the nearest 'John-like' places. He couldn't have gotten that far."

"Yeah but we also got a side mission to think about, and that is finding my shades"

"ugh you and your damn shades! Is that all you ever think about the majority of the time?"

"Well excuse me if I was just being considerate of my best bro's feels, since he was the one who gifted those glorious shades to me even if it was for ironic purposes. I just feel like he would be a little disappointed to not see them perched on their usual heavenly pedestal that is my face."

"OMG whatever! I don't care about your stupid shades right now, lets just go find John and deal with whatever the hell you've been rambling about later!"

"Harsh man, no need to rag on the shades. Do you always show so much hate for tinted eyewear?"

"ARGH!" she screams storming out the door.

***

He’s just so infuriating and immature! Why did you, of all people have to be stuck with him? You mean sure he’s one of the best friends anyone could ask for, but he’s absolutely insufferable to be in a relation with. You don’t know if you can handle the fact that you are legally bound to him, at least temporarily. 

You just need to find John, fix this mess, and try not to tear all your hair out in the process. God thats a lot of things to remember, maybe you need some sort or color coded system to help you remember things. Oh man, you were thinking too much to pay attention to where you were going. Are you in a bar? Wait, is that…

“JOHN!” you growl storming towards him and the bartender he was flirting with. He looks around frightened for an escape from the crazy cousin that you have become. There is none.


	3. BATTLE OF THE BANDS PART 1

You walk out of the hospital building into the crisp autumn air, the trees that line the landscape are colored in vivid reds, oranges and yellows. With every step that you take leaves crunch under your boots. You miss the sun and the warmth of summer, but visiting your grandpa always makes you feel a little better and reminds you of home. Everything is just so hard right now. First, Grandpa get sick, then you have to move to the mainland, away from the island you grew up on because he needs better medical care, and then you found out that his insurance wouldn’t be enough to cover the hospital bills…

You already have two jobs and are barely getting by lately. The power company called yesterday and told you that they were shutting off your electricity today. You have grown accustomed to saving every little bit of food you can get in order to feed yourself and your dog. You suck into any alleyway quickly to wipe away the tears that had been falling from your cheeks at the thought of your own misfortune. If only you had a sure way to be able to cover Grandpa's hospital bills.

You walk out of the alley after cleaning up your face and hope that nobody will be able to tell that you were crying. The wind is picking up so you walk a little faster in order to get home quickly. The crunching on your feet in the only thing you are aware of besides the directions to your small apartment. Then your vision goes black and you start to panic as you fall on the leaf covered sidewalk. You grab at your face to see what's obscuring your vision and pull away a large piece of paper that seem to be an advertisement.

“Battle of the Bands,” You read aloud. “Only amatuer musicians allowed to compete, prize… 50,000 DOLLARS!”You exclaim. This could solve everything, you’d be able to pay the bills and have food and be able to work less so you could catch up with school. All you need to do is find a band, and you know just where to look.

***

Meanwhile inside the Egbert family’s garage...

“You’re seriously putting an ad on craigslist?” John groans, fiddling with a video game controller.

“Of course I’m putting an ad on craigslist. How the fuck else do you expect to find another band member? Actually talk to people?” You gripe back and resume typing.

“I just don't even get why we need another member, we’ve already got three.”

“Because we suck, Egbert. We are absolutely terrible and maybe if we found someone capable of making actual music, we might have a slight chance of winning battle of the bands.”

“We don’t suck. We’re just… having an off day.”

“When was the last time we even played a real song?”

“...”

“Exactly.”

“Ok ladies, calm down you’re both pretty.” Dave walks into the room with an unopened bottle of apple juice. “I don’t even know what you’re fighting about this time but I assume its over which one of you I love more and the answer is neither. The mayor is the only one that holds my affections.” He says reaching down to pet the black cat that twisted around his ankles.

“Shut the fuck up Douchenozzle. We were discussing ever so kindly, about how we need another member in this shitstain we call a band.” a ping comes from the the computer. “Oh hey we already got a reply.”

“Whose it from?” John asks.

“Someone who goes by ‘gardenGnostic’. Sounds like a hippie or some shit.” Dave replies, reading over your shoulder.

You finally pitch in. “They say that they play the electric bass and think that their sound would be a good addition to ours.”

“Ok, so I guess they’re in since we don't already have a bass player.”

“John, you idiot. We can't let them know that we’re that desperate, we've got to make them audition and play it cool.”

“But we aren't cool, like at all.”

“Speak for yourself egderp.”

“Dave, you are literally the least coolest person I know.”

“Oh someone’s jealous because he’l never be able to understand the ironic ways-”

You block their bickering out after that and type a reply to gardenGnostic:  
YEAH WHATEVER. BE HERE AT 4 O'CLOCK SHARP, WITH YOUR BASS, FOR AN AUDITION.


End file.
